Farscape Epic RPG: Wasn't That a Party!
by Chant99
Summary: Based in RPG. After their escape from the Ice Moon, Chiana decides to celebrate... with some unexpected results. Just what does happen when you teach a Shrike to drink?


Berret had just finished putting on a set of the Peacekeeper issue duty uniform that the Pixie had gotten for him from Moya's surplus storage bay and brought up to his quarters. His own clothing and armor were being repaired by DRD's from their adventure on the ice moon. He pulled at the collar of the black uniform vest trying to get use to its strange feel. The Nebari woman suddenly bound back into his room.  
"You ready to go to the Center Chamber to eat?" she asked eagerly, always ready for a good meal. She clicked her tongue as she inspected his new attire. Picking up a different vest from the pile she'd brought earlier she asked, "Why don't you were the red vest? Crichton looks so good in his."  
Berret looked warily at the offered garment. "I really don't like the bright color," he said trying not to offend her.   
One side of Chiana's mouth dropped in a slight frown as she wondered why he considered the dark red a bright color. She mentally shrugged and she dropped the vest back onto the pile of new clothing.   
"Well, I guess you'll just have to be as gloomy as Aeryn until we can work a little on your fashion sense."   
She started to lead him toward the door and he reached out to touch her arm to pause her, something obviously weighed heavy on his mind.   
"Chiana?" he began looking down somewhere near the floor, "On the ice moon, I wanted to tell you..." he looked up into her dark eyes and lost his nerve for what he actually wanted to say under her full attention. "Thank you for seeing me through all this... for talking me through my doubts," he covered. Berret wasn't sure if he saw a moment's disappointment on her face as she took his arm back.  
"That's alright," she said quietly. "Hey, remember... partners in crime," she said and smiled up at him.   
"Now, let's go eat," she finished leading him out the door. As they strolled through Moya's corridors to the Mess, he could still feel the touch of her lips on his from the kiss on the ice moon as if it had just happened.  
  
Berret had declined Chiana's offer to select his dessert for him. Which he thought was a wise move after she smeared him with the last one in the Med-bay in revenge for the cheek incident... and also because she made the offer with one of her infamous evil grins. She was starting to dance around in front of him teasing that he didn't trust her anymore when they arrived at the Center Chamber. The tension was so thick that the Nebari girl stopped her prancing and taunting of the Shrike as it registered on her.   
"Owooo... Malika looks grised and Crichton looks like he's about to stick his foot in his mouth," she whispered off to one side at the Shrike. "This looks like it should be fun!" she said brightly with a mischievous grin as she sat down at the opposite end of the table. Placing both hands under her chin she gave the group already at the large table her full attention.  
"Why must you cause trouble?" whispered Berret.  
"I'm not causing it! I'm just watching it," Chiana corrected as if almost offended slightly by the comment.  
"Let me rephrase... why must you enjoy it so much then?" he asked.  
The Nebari put a gloved finger to her chin as if in deep thought. "Because it's free entertainment?" she finally replied, answering his question with a question. Crichton had greeted them and asked if they were rested enough after their adventure, to which Chiana put on her biggest smile and waved to him, hoping he'd get on with the foot sticking show.   
"Sometimes I think I will never understand you," Berret muttered at her side. He wasn't expecting a reply but she gave him one anyway.   
"You're not supposed to. When you can figure me out is when you'll become bored with me."   
She then shushed him to be quiet so she could hear the others.  
As predicted, Crichton got himself into trouble while attempting to settle the row over the abrupt borrowing of Malika's Prowler, which lead into the issue of D'argo borrowing Aeryn's Prowler.  
The ex-assassin lost interest in the argument, unlike his Nebari friend. Chiana seemed to be enjoying the spectacle greatly while Berret watched her out of the corner of his eyes.   
Boring was one word that Berret doubted would ever be used to describe the Pixie. After the life threatening situation on the ice moon, Chiana seemed to be filled with an over abundance of zest... and she also seemed very determined to enjoy it to the fullest. While the others stewed toward the coming clash of tempers, Chiana slapped her hand on the table as a thought occurred to her.   
"Hey! We have to celebrate our rescue!" she exclaimed suddenly. Darting up from her seat she told him, "Wait here and don't let them start the fun until I get back."   
As she darted out of the room, Berret wondered how he was supposed to accomplish that. If the others wanted to argue, they were going to argue whether he wanted them to or not. The point became moot as a few microts later Chiana came rushing back in carrying a toolbox-sized dusty case.   
"Did I miss anything?" she asked in a stage whisper.   
Berret shook his head "no"; his interest now mostly in what the Pixie had retrieved.   
Chiana opened the case and pulled out a bottle.   
"From one of my stashes... heh, heh," she chortled as she opened it and handed the bottle to him, and then she pulled one out for herself. "Be careful, this stuff is potent," she warned. She clinked her bottle against his and began to drink. Berret cautiously sniffed at his bottle but could detected nothing out of the ordinary other then a minor fruity scent. He took a swallow... and his throat felt like it was on fire.   
He almost choked and was about to ask her if she was trying to poison him when he noticed that the aftertaste was quite pleasant. He tried another taste and this time knowing what to expect, the sensation was not too disagreeable.   
By the third taste, he couldn't see why he thought it ever was horrid to begin with.  
"Good?" asked Chiana. Berret nodded his head and took another drink from his bottle. "Now," said the Nebari in a conspiring whisper, "We can sit back and watch the entertainment the proper way."  
Berret took another big swallow and tried to remember what she was talking about and decided it didn't matter. He tilted the bottle back for another drink and found it empty. Setting the glass container down he asked his friend, "One another may I have?"  
Across the table the young Delvian, Malika, fumed. The more Crichton or Aeryn tried to point out their reasoning for commandeering her Prowler and not allowing the woman to go out and help D'argo herself, the angrier she became. Chiana pushed another bottle of her wine in Berret's direction and the Shrike soon found he was again losing interest in the battle of wills and tempers opposite him.  
  
Chiana held up her bottle in a salute every time one of the others made a point. Crichton eventually became annoyed and asked her to knock it off. The Nebari was so interested in the action going on at the other end of the table that she failed to pay attention to her friend's consumption of the bottled drink. Berret was well into his third bottle when D'argo stormed up to him and began demanding answers from him. Apparently Rygel had given the big warrior a rather one-sided account about the incidents on the ice moon, ending with a somewhat more embellished account of Berret almost killing him as he dove for his fallen pulse pistol. The Luxan ended his barrage with a loud command that he explain why he had almost killed Chiana and the Hynerian Dominar on the ice moon planet.   
Chiana's eyes narrowed and her good mood started to slip away at the Luxan's treatment of her friend.   
D'argo finished speaking and the Shrike looked at him blankly for a microt, his fogged mind taking a few microts to translate the Luxan's questions. Finally he looked up and slurred,   
"Cha-anna and Rejal killed a planet?" he asked in confusion. He turned to the now unsmiling Nebari.  
"Where was I when that happened? And will you... please, stop doing that!" he asked swaying in his seat.  
"Doing what?" asked Chiana looking from the Luxan to Berret.  
"Making yourself all blurry like that... it's really getting annoying, you know?" his speech getting worse. "Very, very unpleasant to watch," he added.  
"You're frelled up!" said Chiana in surprise just as Zhaan entered the center chamber.  
"No. I am not," said the Shrike while taking another drink. He then tried to sit up straighter to prove his point.  
"Chiana, what have you done!" exclaimed Zhaan as she picked up one of the empty bottles and read the label.  
"I didn't do anything!" Chiana said defensively, forgetting for a moment her anger with D'argo. Zhaan stepped in between the pair and the Luxan, then held the bottle up to her. "This is Hynerian Threlse Berry wine. Berret is intoxicated."  
"I know what the frell it is cuz it's mine! And how can he be drunk with all those buggy thing-a-majiggs running around his body," she pointed out.  
Zhaan took a deep breath and muttered a quick prayer for patience. "Child, Berret needs to ingest food materials for the microbes in his body to do their work. Therefore, they have not altered his digestive system. Ergo... he can get DREN FACED!" snapped the Delvian. "Especially on liquor derived from fruit." Chiana's countenance dropped at the explanation, her black lips making a big 'O' on her face as she looked from Zhaan back to the smiling Berret.  
"I am frelled up!" he announced happily to the pair.  
"Seeing you're responsible for his condition, I trust you will take care of him then," scolded the Priestess  
Tired of being talk to as if she was a child, Chiana said rolling her eyes "Yes, Mother. I will take care of him."  
"See that you do," snapped Zhaan.  
Chiana looked back over to Berret. "Dren faced!" he said again holding up a new bottle. Chiana, not being one to let a little argument or two spoil a party, shrugged her shoulders. "Dren faced!" she repeated and clicked her bottle against his once again.  
  
Zhaan turned away from the pair sitting at the table and gave the Luxan and Aeryn her attention.   
"My apologies, sweet D'argo. I did not mean to push you aside just now. You raised a very good question. I've explained to the others that during the conflict on the moon that Berret had accessed a remnant of the control collar's pathway interface. The part that supplied him with orders and information from the collar's computer, and that he had no way to control it without the collar. To answer your questions there is no guarantee there won't be a relapse without training him to control the pathways the collar left behind anymore then there is any guarantee that you will not suffer another bout of Luxan Hyper Rage," explained the Delvian. Zhaan looked back over at the subject of their conversation to find them still carrying on with the drinking even after her warning.   
"That child... does not know when to listen," she muttered to herself.  
She turned back to D'argo and the ex-Peacekeeper, Aeryn had heard most of the discussion and was now giving it her full interest while John continued to debate with Malika. Self-conscious at being so distracted by the Nebari girl's immaturity, Zhaan gave the big warrior another apologetic look knowing he was trying to be patient.   
"It is a good sign that Berret was able to stop himself from harming either Rygel or Chiana. It indicates that he is at some level learning to control the pathways whether he realizes it or not." She looked at Aeryn as she said, "While human's may be 'lacking' in some areas compared to Sebaceans, their bodies and minds have an incredible ability to adapt, or so my studies of John and Berret have revealed to me."  
John had wandered over to join the small group at that point, feeling it best to leave the smoldering younger Delvian alone for the moment. He regarded Berret and Chiana at their side of the table still tipping back bottle after bottle.  
"I hope you're right about the adaptable part, Blue," John said out loud, attracting the Shrike's attention for the moment. "Cuz tomorrow, I have a real feeling that Chi and 'Ret will be riding the 'porcelain bus.' "  
"What are you talking about now, Crichton?" asked Aeryn dumbfounded once again by another "Crichton-ism." "What is this 'Poor-cell-in bu-us" you're talking about?"  
John smiled. "Porcelain bus," he corrected, "it's a ride I've taken many a days during my college cycles."  
Aeryn looked over at Zhaan who shrugged her shoulders while John continued to smile at the pair. Aeryn finally sighed to herself, accepting another one of John's confusing mysteries.  
  
"John has a porcelain bus," Berret announced in awe to Chiana. "Do we have a porcelain bus?" he asked.  
"I dunno," said the Nebari in deep thought, now beginning to get into her own drunken stupor. "Maybe we should look?" she suggested.  
"Do you really think so?" asked Berret attempting to decide which of the three blurry bottles was real. After missing twice, he chose the one in the middle and succeeded.   
"Nah! Why bother," said Chiana concluded. "If we had one, Rygel's probably snurched it by now."  
Berret gave her comment careful consideration, or at least he considered it as carefully as he was able at the present. "I... really don't like Reejal," he decided. "He's so small... and green... and he smells funny," he added as if they were perfectly good reasons. Chiana took a drink and padded him on the back as if in agreement. "And now he has our porcelain bus!" he complained  
"Yeah," said Chiana putting her elbow on the table and resting her head in her palm, the thought now seeming to depress her. Drunkenly, she suddenly brightened.   
"Then there only one thing we can do!" she exclaimed as if the answer to their imagined problem had just struck her.  
"Huh?" grunted Berret trying to focus his eyes on her but not having much luck.  
"Another toast!" she said holding up her half full bottle. "To porcelain bus-eses!" she said, slurring the words.  
"To porcelain bus-ezes-esss..." he tried to repeat and then frowned. "Whatever you said," Berret said finally giving up.  
They tried to touch bottles and finally got it right on the forth try.  
  
Chiana and Berret drunkenly staggered down Moya's corridors attempting to hold each other upright. Chiana had her left arm thrown over the man's shoulder, that hand holding an open bottle. In her other hand she held the last two surviving bottles from her stashed case of wine. Berret for his part had his right arm wrapped around her waist and he was gripping her belt trying to simultaneously hold her up and lean on her at the same time. If it wasn't for Pilot and Moya opening access points ahead of them, the inebriated pair would have collided with one a long time ago. Chiana pulled Berret to a halt as she was making a point.  
"They treat me like a child," she complained pointing a finger at him and making the unopened bottles clink together in that hand. "They never think I can do anything right."  
Berret meant to say she was absolutely right but forgot to speak and only nodded his head.  
"You don't treat me that way. You don't think I'm a child. Do ya?" she asked.  
This time Berret managed to remember to perform both actions. "Nope," he said shaking his head.  
"Ahhhh! You're a good friend 'Retty," she said smiling as they staggered forward a few more steps.  
She suddenly brought them to a stop again. "Then why do they treat me like a child?" she asked again.  
Berret attempted to organize his thoughts a little better then said,   
"Well ... we did crash the Pod," trying to be helpful and come up with an answer to her question.   
"But that wasn't out fault," she finally said.  
Berret vigorously shook his head in agreement again. "Nope... it wasn't," he said.  
"It was that fat guy Rygel was talking to," the Nebari concluded in her own foggy thoughts.  
Berret now vigorously nodded his head "yes" as they staggered forward once again. "You know? We really should have gone back there and killed him," Berret told her. "I know, cuz I use to do those sorts of things." For some reason they both found this funny and laughed over the observation and they continued to stumble forward. The next time Berret brought them to a halt.   
"Hey! And Rygel was the one podding the pilot... er, piloting the Pod too."  
"Yeah!" agreed the girl as if it was all clear to her now. "So actually it's all really froggy-goggies fault!"  
"Yes!" said Berret drawing himself up straight. "Everything is Rygel's fault," he agreed drunkenly.  
"Yeah! The Pod?" she said.  
"Rygel's fault," supplied the Shrike.  
"Crichton's jokes...?" she asked after a microt's thought on the subject.  
"Rygel's fault. Me being abducted and ending up here?" he said and asked her in return.  
"Rygel's fault," Chiana answered. "Me being caught by Salis?"  
"Also Rygel's fault," said Berret. "There 'never' being enough of the chocolate dessert cubes?"  
"Definitely Rygel's fault," she said with no doubt. "Moya getting pregnant?"  
They stopped and looked at each other, both swaying.  
"Rygel's fault!" they both shouted together and then burst into laughter and staggered further down the hall.  
"Hey!" said Chiana bring Berret up so short this time that he nearly tripped over his feet. "We missed the argument in the mass... I mean Mess."  
"No, we didn't," replied Berret with a wild shake of his head.  
"Yes, we did!" insisted Chiana.  
"Uh-ah," he said again shaking his head so hard now he almost fell over.  
"Then what happened?" she demanded.  
Berret thought on the subject for a few microts. Chiana waited opened mouthed for him to fill her in on the details, her head bobbing around as she followed his movements as he tried to recall what happened. Finally he said, "We missed the argument."  
  
Zhaan was on her way up to the command tier when a low thumping noise caught her attention. She was so deep in thought about how to work with Malika on reining in her sometimes explosive temper that she almost didn't notice the rhythmic thumping coming out of one of Moya's side corridors. Curious, she went to investigate. Microt's later she found that the thumping was coming from Rygel's abandoned thronesled as it bumped back and forth between two sections of Moya's bulkheads.   
"Rygel!" she called as she stopped the floating chair's travels. When no answer came, she moved further down the corridor cautiously. "Rygel, where are you?" she called again. This time she heard a small muffled cry coming from behind a support post. Moving to the other side of the post she found Rygel... friction taped to the hull brace... upside down.  
"Rygel, what are you doing?" she asked as she peeled the piece of tape from his mouth, pulling several long whisker hairs with it.  
"Ouch! Be careful, you poor excuse for a blue Priestess!" he shouted.  
"Is that anyway to talk to someone who's here to help you?" she asked, beginning to peel the rest of the tape off him. "Now, tell me what happened and who did this to you?"  
"Who the frell do you think! It was that pasty assed bitch and her backstabbing pet bastard. They came up to me and started accusing me of all these magra-fahrbot things and then taped me up here. I never even heard of a 'porcelain bus', much less know what one is!" he loudly complained.  
"I see," replied Zhaan. "You'll have to forgive them, Rygel. They are not feeling 'themselves' at the moment. I will speak with them tomorrow about their behavior," she promised.  
"Bah!" snorted Rygel, now finally upright. "Let me go get my Pulse pistol and I'll go speak with them," he complained further.  
"Rygel! I said, I will handle it!" the Delvian snapped.  
First Malika, then Chiana and Berret, and now Rygel... "Goddess give me strength!" she thought to herself as she walked away from him.  
Rygel settled himself in his thronesled grumbling anyway, "They probably wanted to finish the job they started on that frelling ice moon... ungrateful... inconsiderate young brats... and after I saved them too!"  
  
Berret woke up the next morning looking at a pair of pale gray feet with black toenails. He felt like six Luxans were dancing on the inside of his head. He tried to raise the offending part of his anatomy up off the mattress he was laying on but thought better of it after his skull threaten to explode and send his brain into a high orbit. He glanced at the feet beside him and followed them down to Chiana's legs, the rest of her being hidden under a blanket somewhere down near his own legs. At least she remembered to take her boots off he thought to himself. He lay there for a few microns then by force of will alone, raised himself up to his elbows. His head pounded as he looked around and discovered that he was in Chiana's quarters and not his own. He had never really spent much time in her room, the Pixie always showing up at his quarters or falling asleep there during one of their all night chats. Berret eventually kick his legs clear of the blankets and swung them off the side of the bed as he sat up. An unidentified piece of female underclothing was wrapped around his right foot and he shook it off. Someone had stripped him down to his tee shirt and under-shorts, though whom he couldn't say. He lowered his pounding head into his hands as the mound of blankets next to him stirred and issued a moan in Chiana's voice.   
"This... is... all...your... doing," he said in barely above a whisper.  
Chiana whipped the blankets off her head and clasped her hands over her ears.   
"Stop frelling shouting!" she croaked.   
"I am not shouting," he said quietly, his eyes swimming in his head.  
She rolled over to face him. "And what do you mean 'it's all my doing'? I didn't twist your arm last night to drink all of that," doing her best to whisper but still having to hold her head.  
Berret's head was ready to fall off and the last thing he wanted to do was debate whose fault it was with Chiana, though for some reason Rygel's name came to mind.   
"I'm sorry," he told her. "I don't want to fight with you about it."  
"Me either," said the Nebari, finally able to crawl out from under the sheets and blankets, knocking a half used roll of friction tape to the floor. Someone had stripped her down to the silver underclothes she wore, though again, Berret couldn't say who did that either. "Where did that come from?" she asked pointing to the roll of tape.   
"I haven't a clue," answered Berret.  
"I guess we really celebrated last night, huh?" she went on to say.  
Berret rubbed at his aching forehead. "The way I feel at present, I don't believe it was much of a celebration," he replied  
Chiana had managed to get to her feet without falling over and was heading toward the lavatory door.  
"That's not what you said last night. You seemed to be having a very good time... and so was I," she said slyly, not able to resist teasing no matter how bad her head hurt.  
Her comment brought him up short and his aching head forgotten for a microt.   
"What do you mean by that?" he asked.  
Chiana gave him a mock offended look. "Well, if you can't remember what happened last night, then I certainly won't tell you... but it was fun!" And with that, she then she closed the lavatory door.  
"Chiana?" he asked as the door clicked shut. "What happened last night? Oh frell!" he ended up finishing to himself as the shower started up inside the lavatory.  
  
Berret had managed to find his clothes that were scattered all over the room. When Chiana finished, he used her lavatory to take a quick shower of his own. After the shower and dressing, neither one still felt much better. Chiana sat like a melting food cube on her bed.   
"Oh... my head," she moaned.   
"Mine does not feel much better," said Berret. "Remind me never to do that again."  
"I say that all the time, it never works," she commented. "I wonder if Froggy has any of those pills left."  
"What pills?" asked the hurting man.   
"He's had these cleansing pills he sometimes takes after a bender, that are suppose to clear your head and make you feel better," she mumbled slowly sinking into the bed.  
"I think we should go and ask him," Berret told her.  
"We can try," Chiana replied, making a big production out of climbing from the bed.  
  
Several microns later they cornered their query in a near-by corridor.   
"So!" said the Hynerian sneering, "You two pleebits tied one on last night and now you want my help getting over your hangovers... heh heh heh," he snickered.   
"Com' on, Ryg!" Chiana pleaded. "My head is frelling killing me. Don't give us a hard time... just give us some of your pills."  
"Well... it'll cost you, especially after what you two did to me last night," Rygel said rubbing his small hands together.  
"I don't have any more credits! And what did we do to you last night?" said Chiana in wonder looking at Berret.  
"Don't pretend you don't remember," spat the Hynerian. "You're both lucky Zhaan intervened on your behalves. If I'd found my pulse pistol last time, I'd..."  
Berret rubbed his aching forehead. "This is getting us nowhere," he interrupted Rygel and told the Nebari. "Let me try and reason with him."  
Rygel grinned, thinking the Shrike surely had something of value. Instead the man grabbed him by the front of his robe, yanking him from his throne sled he slammed the Hynerian into a bulkhead. Twisting one of Rygel's ears with his other hand he said, "Like Chiana... my head is also killing me... much like your entire body will be in a few microts. Now give us the frellin' pills!"  
"Here... here!" said Rygel digging though his robes and thrusting the box of pills at him. After he explained their dosage, Berret released him. They were supposed to take three during the day and Rygel warned only one at a time. Berret wisely gave Chiana only one and would give her the others later in the day, knowing the Nebari girl would be tempted to take more they she was suppose too. They swallowed the first ones and continued on toward the mess, all ready starting to feel somewhat better.  
"You called that reasoning with him?" Chiana asked after a few microns.  
"Yes... I learned it from you," he replied. "Now, tell me what happened last night!"  
Chiana's only answer was a grin. She was prevented from teasing the man further as Crichton appeared and greeted the pair in an extremely loud voice. The pain in Berret's head spiked once again every time John practically yelled in his ear. A glance at Chiana told him that Crichton's tone was having the same effect on her. Gratefully the human shortly took piety on the pair and ended the conversation with a wicked smile.  
  
Berret watched John walk away from them and he could almost swear the man was snickering. He was also aware that the man's greeting was purposely design to counteract the effect of Rygel's pills or make their aching heads feel worse if he didn't have knowledge of the medication they'd taken.  
Besides him Chiana appeared to have come to the same conclusion, judging by the semi-murderous look on the Pixie's face.  
"I think it's time to add Crichton to our 'Things to kill' list," Berret said in dark humor. He'd meant the comment to be amusing but the Nebari seemed to be seriously considering starting just such a list. "I was joking," he said just to be sure she knew he meant it only in jest.  
"Hummm... too bad," she finally said. "Can we at least add him to our 'Things to torment' list?"  
"That would be appropriate," agreed the Shrike.  
They walk a little further down the corridor toward the mess and Berret came to a sudden stop with a contemplative look on his face as something John had said registered.  
"What's wrong?" asked Chiana as she halted a few steps away from him.   
Berret looked at her and queried, "Where have I heard the term 'porcelain bus' before?" 


End file.
